The Last 24 Hours
October 31, 2018: Well, today is the day. The final 24 hours in Sweden, and the last time I get to put on the IK Uppsala jersey for the season. We’ve got the third round in the Swedish Cup against a team we’ve played not once, twice, but THREE times already this season. So, fourth time is a charm, right? Isn’t that the saying? Should be, anyway.
I am feeling so scatterbrained that it’s actually pretty difficult to sit down and write. I’ve tried to write a post at least four or five times only to give up. The past six weeks or so have been a roller coaster of emotions, and because of that, my writing has been erratic and hard for me to even follow. It’s crazy how day to day emotions can change, or even minute to minute.
Visual representation of my emotions recently ^^
As of this very second, I feel completely split on leaving. Half of me is so ready. It’s been a long year, and a tough one. We were hoping to compete for a spot in the Damallsvenskan, and we ended up fighting for the middle. I don’t think it’s what anyone expected, least of all me. And even though we had a really strong fall (shout out to the 6 game winning streak!), it didn’t come without some major heartache, down to last weekend.
My body is tired, but even more so, my mind. The day in and day out can be exhausting, and even though playing is LITERALLY my dream job, it’s still a job. And some days, particularly if it’s rainy, cold and dark, I don’t want to go to work. In those moments, I fondly dream of fuzzy socks on a sectional couch snuggling with my imaginary puppy.
But then…. we have the other half of me. The competitor. The warrior. The one that knows deep down that there is nothing I’d rather be doing. Sure, fuzzy socks on the couch sounds great for a night or two, but all it takes is watching someone else play to remind me: this is who I am.
Amazingly, my body didn’t make the decision for me, as it does for so many of us “older players.” Oh yes, this old bag-a-bones has held up pretty well this year. I mean yes, I’ve re-sprained both ankles at least 4 times each, and I’ve had some nagging heel pain and of course there have been countless muscle strains and yeah okay, my knees and hips hurt, and well now that I’m thinking of it, a at least 14 times I’ve felt like I’ve been hit by a bus, but I mean outside of all of that, we’re doing okay.
But it will be nice to have a break. A real break. One that involves rejuvenation for my mind and for my body. And some time to listen to my own wants.
A lot of people (and I mean almost everyone I am in touch with) ask me what is next, and the answer is a resounding “I don’t know!”
I get a lot of “you can’t stop now,” particularly because I’ve had what I believe to be my strongest personal season ever. And even though I know deep down I do want to probably give it one more go, at this point in the season, all any of us want to do is take a mental and physical check-out, and just have a minute to breathe. So until I’ve had that, I am taking no more questions about my future.
I’ll be writing in a few days more of a reflection of my experience in general, but I’m mentally incapable of doing that now.
So instead, here’s to the last game on my last night in my lovely little corner of the world. See you soon, USA.
Peace, love and football.